n <p>Does your doctor speak english in a language you don’t understand? Does he only know you by your stretch marks? Do his tropical fish show symptoms of malaria? If you answered "yes" to five or more of these questions, then you had better read our funny top ten list about how to select a qualified physician, before the Obama Healthcare Plan drives them all into dental school.</p><p>You’ll notice that our semi-scientific selection method is exclusively designed for women. That’s because men refuse to go to physicians; unless it’s for an autopsy.</p><p><b>How to Select a Qualified Physician:</b></p><p><b>+</b> Does he have stirrups on the waiting room chairs?</p><p><b>+</b> Does he make you strip naked to take your health history?</p><p><b>+</b> Does he make you wear a wet paper gown?</p><p><b>+</b> Does he only make house calls if you’re able to drag yourself over to <i>his</i> house?</p><p><b>+</b> Does he make you undress to music?</p><p><b>+</b> Do his staff members refer to patients as "the crotch case" or "the dangling hemorrhoids"?</p><p><b>+</b> Is he up on the latest medical advances reported in <i>Cosmo?</i></p><p><b>+</b> Is he embarrassed by questions about sex? Does he know how chickens do it?</p><p><b>+</b> Has he ever had menstrual cramps? The blues? A pelvic exam?</p><p><b>+</b> Does he examine your sex organs in a detached, professional manner? Does this turn you on?</p><p><i>Truth-be-told, there are a few (girly) men out there who have occasionally been caught seeing a physician; but only under the following extreme circumstances.</i></p><p><b>Top 10 reasons why a man MIGHT actually see a physician:</b></p><p><b>+</b> Getting up frequently to go to the bathroom… despite being pinned under a tractor trailer.</p><p><b>+</b> Flames shooting from his drive shaft.</p><p><b>+</b> A sucking head wound.</p><p><b>+</b> Partial zipper castration.</p><p><b>+</b> Coughing up a sled.</p><p><b>+</b> A persistent vegetative state.</p><p><b>+</b> A sink hole in the center of his forehead.</p><p><b>+</b> Finding a <i>Lawn Dart</i> in his urine.</p><p><b>+</b> The lingering odor of death.</p><p><b>+</b> He plays golf on Wednesday afternoons.</p><p>Now that you’re armed with our timely inside information, you will never again have to put up with a physician who yells out your weight; gives everyone the same appointment time; or fails to Residential Pressure Wash his tongue depressor between patients.</p><p>Copyright 2009. Funniest Top Ten Lists. All rights reserved.</p>
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I have looked so many places for this information.